so we meet up yesterday it seems like he was trying really hard but i didn’t believe it i didn’t even want to come to his house cuz i knew that he just wanted one thing and at the end it was nice it was ok cuz i know it was real for both of us

  there as been so much stuff going on in my head this day and i was about to lose it when Lionell called i thought it was going to be good and it was but it wasn’t at the same time it started to get me thinking i am still there for him and how it is affecting me. i was saying all this stuff of at it is better that he has a friend but once i got off the phone i realized that i am scared to be even in contact with each other because off the fast that i am already going crazy worrying about him and i am hating that he knows i still care

 i try to hide it but i fucking care for the guy and i hate it i don’t want to feel like this with him because i am just building this big dream up when i know in fact that it will never work because of who he is and his condition and i think does he still care or is it cuz I’m the only one there  for everyone i hate it some times i hate how people think I’m sweet do they think anything else

  and this rite now is why i don’t like this feeelin cuz i am already gettin aggrevated with things i am lossin my focus on my goals and dreams that i’m still finalizing.

I believe that i have forgotten and act that i am doing better now  and i know i am and proud of it but it really  feels lonely at the end of the day when i am still thinking about what we were and why i still think of us when it was so much problems from the beginng is  it cuz i have a big heart and can’t forget i know i am better now doing what i have to do i question the fact of if i wasn’t hard headed would it have worked or if u just stopped but i need to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t the right now for us and maybe it will never really be but who knows time will only tell.

The path i am going right now at Marinello’s iam really happy it was something i knew had to do and was long over due  but i am amazed at how much i love going to school i do get tired but at the end of the day i am so proud of what i have learned from school the experiences and work ethics i have gone through because if i didn’t go through these changes i wouldn’t be the student i am today and  hoping that  will carry on to my profession

 i feel like I’m always lost in what i do that I’m insecure of everything i do i keep wishing that i was someone else i don’t admit it to anyone not even myself a few months ago i felt like i was finally comfortable with who i was and then this person or people come into my left and i have felt like i lost myself well maybe i lost myself i awhile i do but i know do why i feel comin back to him it’s only been 6 months but i don’t know i have a feelin the guys are tellin me nicely like that i need to leave the guy i  but at the end these are my choices i have been and need to deal with i can’t blame any of this on anyone but i think to my self lex seriously you were doing so welll what happened it was hard but lex come on u need to be strong i feel like i have already lost him maybe he wasn’t truely in love  with me which i felt from the start but he didn’t believe me or maybe i just kept dening the fact that i didn’t truly love him before i would think to myself i wish he just broke up with me then i would break his heart but all the things i wish for or hope to come did which is why i am very careful of what i wish for now. i feel like why i shouldn’t be with him is that one are signs are not compatible 2 is it more of a physical then mental or is it neither am i just with him because he’s my first.3. he has those problems that effect him4. it hearts to much to be with him but it hurts so much to be with out him i know it sound corny but i am just so alll over the place right now and that’s just how i am and i just want to accept this of myself i really want to love myself and i want to live and be happy with what i’m doing. why i should be with him as of right now i don’t even know the only reason is that i love him but i just want to give up because he is giving up on me and  i know he doesn’t love me so at the end i couldn’t even think of why we should be together if he showed that he cared one bit maybe but i don’t know